six feet under the stars

meet me on thames street. i'll take you out, though i'm hardly worth your time. in the cold you look so fierce. but i'm warming up because the tension's like a fire. we'll hit south broadway in a matter of minutes. and like a bad movie, i'll drop a line. fall in the grave i've been digging myself. but there's room for two, six feet under the stars.

i can't believe 2009 is almost here! this year has gone by soo fast and soo much has happened! i never thought i could experience as much as i did this year. sometimes, it doesn't feel as if it all happened. i lived most of my life in the shadow of others. i was a leader when i needed to be, but 75% of the time i was a follower. i went with the flow. i let people walk all over me. i forgave too easily. i learned a lot this year, and i love how it changed me for the better.

this year i became an adult. i graduated high school as senior class president with honors. i stepped up to the plate when i needed to. i let go of people who were holding me back. i re-established flickering relationships. i fell in love. i stood up for myself. i stopped letting someone use me. i put myself first when needed. i took on more responsibility. i lost a friend. i took chances. i met some heroes. i did something i never though i'd do. i had fun. i laughed. i cried. i had the best day of my life. i had amazing memories.

not all things go according to plan and that's what helps make life beautiful. this year hasn't all been a field of daisies and rainbows, but those bad times produced lessons. lessons i will forever remember. i can honestly say that this year has blown me away by it's beauty. i'm so blessed to be where i am today and to have experienced everything i have. i thank jesus everyday for the life he's given me.

if this year was this fantastic, then i can only imagine what 2009 is gonna be like, and i'm super stoked to find out!!! = D

merry late christmas and happy new year!!!

for me this is haven

when the time we have now ends. when the big hand goes round again. can you still feel the butterflies? can you still hear the last goodnight? close my eyes and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.

soo much has happened in the past twenty-eight days since my last post. got hired at gap for seasonal, thanksgiving with my family, first black friday in retail (crazy!!), realizing what is really important to me, moving on, going to a transvestite bar, getting lost in the christmas spirit, and most importantly experiencing the best day of my life so far.

kaelee and i took my sister and my cousin to see the jonas brothers and i've never been so moved until that night. a lot of people don't know this but my cousin is 16, one of the funniest people i know, and she's mentally challenged with autism and terrets. she can't really spell much more than her name, and her mentality is the same as a four year old's, but she will make you feel more loved than you've ever felt and she's soo full of life. i was in tears just about the entire time the jonas brothers were performing. seeing her jump and sing along and dance and wave to them and copy everything they did, it was just...incredible.

my mom and i had written a letter to 933 explaining our situation with my cousin and tried to make it possible for her to meet them but we never heard anything back. somehow, fate kind of happened to be by our side and my aunt had emailed my other two cousins the letter and one of my cousin's clients has a niece who works for the jb teams, travels all over the world with the and everything. she had called her niece while she was getting her hair done and her niece asked my cousin to forward the email to her. somehow, all out email addreses got deleted when the email went through but that doesn't even matter. just the fact that the jonas brothers have read that letter that meant soo much to every person who read it and that means even more to my family, it's indescribable. hopefully the next time they come to sd we will be able to meet them, so brandy can say hi and wave to them and oh man, that would seriously make my life, no lie.

it's people who have a spirit and heart like her that can make movements happen. i'm just one of the lucky ones who got to witness it first hand.

WE LOVE JB!!

can i have this dance

and you can't keep us apart. even a thousand miles can't keep us apart. cause my heart, cause my heart is wherever you are. it's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you. it's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do. and with every step together, we just keep on getting better. so can i have this dance? can i have this dance? can i have this dance?

OBAMA 08!!!! soooo stoked he won! i'm sad to say that no, i did not vote. personally, i didn't feel i knew enough about each canidate to go and vote, but i was pulling for obama for what i did understand between him and mccain. i do hope that the whole repeal against proposition 8 goes through. ugh, i can't stand that stupid prop. but that's another story for another time. i've had enough politics for an early-early morning.

i miss my ROP class. thirteen more days until the waiting list starts for enrollment. i need to hurry and get my ss card and id. god i'm such a procrastinator. haha i seriously can't wait until i get to start! it'll all finally start to become a reality.


wednesday i took my sister to go see high school musical 3, and i'm kind of suprised to say that watching that movie is what got me to realize that i'm not in high school anymore. like i had said before, i never really felt like i graduated. even after i gave my speech, flipped my tassle, went to a football game as an alumni, and said see you later to all my friends that were leaving for college, i always felt like i was on an extended summer vacation. but watching that movie, that's when it finally hit me. i was blown away by it. yeah, i know it's hsm3 but still, i think that movie is absolutely amazing! kenny ortega did an incredible job, and it's definitely my favorite out of the three. now, i'll admit, i'm one of those people who get really into movies. i mean i'm one of those 'it's only you and the movie-nothing else exists-sometimes i don't even blink' people. i don't know why but i just get soo pulled into the plot, and the characters. that's exactly what happened when i watched that movie. in a way, the east high gang reminded me of my friends and i in high school. we've been together since 7th grade, and like kelly, jason, and marcus said at graduation, friends from high school should be friends for a lifetime. and, once again, i'll admit i did cry more than once while watching it. i just couldn't help it!! haha but hnasjkbfjkasbfasjkla IT WAS JUST SOO GOOD!!! i can't stop talking about it. i can't wait until i get to see it again!!!!! =)

thought of the week: GO OUT AND SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

the poet

i'm not looking for you to be anything but my ultimate enemy. so back off, you're not what i would prefer to see. when my body rots i still wont give you the courtesy. you came with fire for the last time. warrior poet once said, you're nor dead yet so live like you could be. warrior poet said, have no regrets when you're old. have no regrets when you're old.

i finished my ROP course for cosmetology yesterday thursday. our presentation went ok. ha, i kinda forgot to say some stuff but all well. all in all, i think we did pretty good. if i opened a salon, i'd hire us! haha now i just have to wait until november to put my name on the waiting list. hopefully i wont have to wait that long but we'll see. yyou can find a few more pictures HERE yes, i'm wearing a business suit and heels! haha


this past week i've been learning a lot about myself and my family while working with my dad and his friend. it's amazing how long you can know someone but still learn something new about them everyday. it might not come as a suprise to some people, but for those who don't know my dad was a drug addict and an alcoholic. it was 20 years ago when he decided that he needed to better himself and checked himself into rehab. i've heard countless stories about different things he's tried and how certain drugs make him feel. he doesn't hide anything he's experienced and that's why i respect him so much. he's open to answering any question i have about drugs or drug use. he's openly told stories to my friends who have asked him questions or if he just felt like they should be educated on the subject. i have never felt embarassed or ashamed because of my dad's past. i'll respect someone even more if they get the balls to ask someone who's a recovered drug addict or alcoholic a simple question to be more educated on that suject. a lot of people wonder why i don't drink or try pot or anything and to be completely honest with you, it is because of my dad. he is half of who i am. half of my blood line came from a drug addict and alcoholic. i have that 50% chance of drinking or trying a drug and getting addicted to that lifestyle. do i drink? sure on occasion but not at a party or anything. i drink when my dad hands me something and says, here try this. but what it comes down to is more of a personal choice not to get involved in the lifestyle of partying every weekend, whether it be getting high or drunk.

i know that's the one thing my dad would be disappointed in me in, and i can't bear to even think about how much that would hurt him, not to mention my mom. my parents are some of my best friends. just how you wouldn't want to do anything to disappoint your best friend, i don't want to do anything to disappoint mine. so now you all know a little bit more into my personal life and why i make some of the coices i do.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!! =)

why georgia

cause i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life. am i living it right? am i living it right? am i living it right? why, georgia why?

school has been zipping by. two weeks down, one more to go. we have a presentation for a group project on tuesday, wednesday school reps are gonna come and talk to us, and then thursday we get our completion letters. super stoked!! i'm definitely gonna miss my starbucks runs though. totally love hanging out there, drinking my frappuccino or hot chocolate (sometimes both), and watching the softball games that are played across the street while i wait for my dad to pick me up. sometimes we just sit and watch them together. after next week i get to start playing again, so i'm really excited for that!

saturday is all about scream zone with kristen and some other people. why the heck she invited me is beyond me. i'm the biggest pansy in the world and she knows this!! hello slight panic attacks, raspy voice from screaming, and having the shit scared out of me. god, i'm gonna hate this. all well. i can suck it up for a night with my best friend. nine years and counting, she's definitely gonna be the life-long friend. i friggen love her to death! =)


recently, i had a very interesting conversation with a very close friend. we were talking about our fears and my biggest one is growing up. yes, i know it sounds a little childish, but it's true. i am scared to death of growing up. i've known what i wanted to do in life since i was 13, i know where i want to settle down when i start a family one day, i know what i expect from myself, but i can't help but be scared for that all to happen. maybe not so much of becoming what i want to be, but more along the lines of settling down, starting a family, and getting into the routine of playing the role of the 9-5, middle aged, working woman with a family to take care of. i don't know, maybe i'm over-analyzing it, but i can't help it. it's not that i don't have faith in myself that i wont be good at that role, but gah, i don't know how to explain this. but while talking to this friend i realized that i need to stop thinking soo much into the future and just focus on right now, the present. i've always told people whatever happens happens. i believe everything happens for a reason and the more you focus on the future, the less time you spend appreciating the present. now, all i need to do is follow my own advice, and that's what i plan on doing.

off-topic thought: everyone should go listen to demi lovato's cd don't forget. LOVE IT!!!

innocence

it's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming. it's the happiness inside that you're feeling. it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry. this innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay. this moment is perfect, please don't go away. i need you now. and i'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by.

being in this whole "you're an adult now that you're 18. you can do this on your own now" world is still new to me, although, as of tomorrow, i've been here for seven months. for example, i didn't know that with credit cards you're just supposed to make a monthly payment, i thought you had to pay the whole thing off before you charged anything else to it! i think it might be a little dangerous for me now that i know i can keep charging stuff to it, but i'm going to try my hardest to resist the urges. i think the hardest time i'll have with it is if i move out and have to keep up on everything cause my roommates are slackers. honestly, i don't think it'll be that bad though. cross your fingers that it isn't just in case. ugh, i need to get a job soon. i hate being broke, especially when i have to think about school, gas, a car, and maybe moving out. oh goodness. coach please hire me when you open.


i realized i have this strange......liking of reading people's blogs/journals regardless of if i know them or not. weird? yeah, i think in a small way it is, but i think the fact that i know some other person in the world is going through something similar to what you're going through in life is relieving. it's also neat to read how other people live their life and go through experiences, how they decide to approach a situation. not everyone has the same life, views, or struggles as you do, and to know that is thrilling. knowing that i'm me and i'm the only 'me' in the entire world is refreshing. we live in a world of trends where finding something unique is a needle in a haystack. but being who you are, where you come from, what you believe in, where you're going in life, that's something only you have control of. life is something that isn't a trend. a trend is something someone volunteers to participate in, life is something you're brought into. you don't have a choice if you want to participate or not. the diversity of cultures, problems, and people is what makes life beautiful.

random fun fact: i only eat toast when there's melted peanut butter on top.

weird world

it's a weird world don't you know it? it's a weird would and it wont slow down. it's a weird world no matter how you roll it. hey hey hey, sweet baby. there's a way just stand up and fight it. hey hey hey, never give up and don't let it wear you out, your love. it's a weird world, yeah.

i found my old journal from back in the elementary days. definitely some old memories came back to make me smile. hahaha i love myself when i was a little tyke! i can't wait to read that thing 10 years from now and see if those same feelings and memories come to mind.

life's been going good lately. had a family reunion this past weekend with my dad's side of the family. it was nice catching up with everyone and eating some yummy food. =) my brother got me sick a few days ago so i've just been trying to sleep it off. my nose and head are all gross and my nose wont stop running. ugh, kill me now please! hopefully i get better soon. i really don't want to start my ROP course with a cold. aahh 11 MORE DAYS!! =)

highlight of the week - got the jobro tickets yesterday!! i think they're nosebleed seats but i could careless. i can't wait to see my cousin's reaction when they get on stage. i'm gonna try super-duper hard to find a way so she can meet them. that would seriously make my life, no lie. no one deserves them more than that girl.

no, she's not my kid. i swear, i get asked that question at least three times when we go out in public.

life's what you make it

don't let no small fustration ever bring you down, no, no, no, no. just take a situation and turn it all around. with a new attitude everything can change, make it all you want it to be. staying mad why do that? give yourself a break. laugh about it and you'll see. life's what you make it, so lets make it rock. life's what you make it so c'mon. c'mon everybody now!

i've tried like three or four times already to make an entry in this thing, but my thoughts are all scattered right now. my brain is a mess!


for the past two hours i've been reading all the blogs, new and old, on twloha's myspace. i'm soo happy this cause has blown up and become what it is now. i remember when they had about 1,000 friends and we're about to do their first big-name festival. i love seeing things grow and develop and people not being afraid to be apart of something that brings a great deal of life to others. i can't wait to order my hoodie from them in a few days!!


do you sometimes wonder what people meant by actions speak louder than words? well, i did. i mean yeah there's obvious examples of that saying (ex - cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend, ect...) but i guess i had never been in a situation where that saying couldn't have been more true. honestly, it's kind of like a slap in the face. worst is, it's also a broken promise. i mean, i guess the situation is out of my hands but still. getting asked the same question over and over and over again is getting really old now and it just makes me realize over and over and over again how the outcome became a reality. because even though i was hoping for the best, i think subconciously i knew the worst was the truth, but me being me, couldn't seem to grasp that concept. it's just the type of person i am...trying to always make sure i think the best of things. i'm embracing reality though because one day those questions, or well mostly question, wont be asked. one day i wont have to give that answer. even though there's that one day, it's everyday that i think about it. and to be quite honest...i don't think that will ever go away. somehow, that doesn't hit me as a negative thing necessarily.








hannah montana 3D movie party!!!!

bb good

you gotta be be good to me. i'm gonna be be good to you. we'll be happy as can be. just gotta be e good to me, baby.

it's amazing how graduation comes and in my head i'm like, 'i'm still going to see these poeple.' friday night it had finally set in that i'll go days, weeks, months, and years without seeing those people that surrounded me for the past 5 and a half years. i was super stoked to see old friends at the football game though, not to mention hanging out with deanna, cynthia, and laura before they leave for college.

saturday was all about kaelee!! =) we went cosmic bowling for her birthday, then proceeded to have a jonas brothers marathon by watching all the shows they were on that i missed. i love those boys! (ps - happy birthday nick!) i love our good times!!!

sunday was.......eventful. haha we headed on over to megan's wedding down at the harbor in mission beach. i had never worn heels that high before. i must say, i am quite proud of myself for the fact that i not once tripped, stumpled, or fell!! woohoo!!!!!! amanda made a gorgeous bride's maid and megan looked beyond gorgeous in her wedding gown! we did feel a little awkward at the reception just because the only person we knew who wasn't in the wedding was amelia, but her and her boyfriend were just as confused as us so we made a great group. haha all in all, it was a very blessed day and i'm very happy that i got to be a part of it. =)






me, amanda, megan, kaelee, and amelia!! there was such a bad glare where we were sitting.


me, deanna, and laura at the game.

temporary

and it's all a game. i know we'll stay the same, but repitition ends in failure. and everytime, i see it in your eyes. when repitition ends we'll start over.


life......life is definitely an adventure that loves to keep you on your toes. sometimes, i don't like staying on my toes. i like having my feet planted, knowing i'm grounded, secure. but then, once things become too routine, i like a little change.

tomorrow is a journey back to the old stompin grounds. haha i've only been out of high school for almost 3 months and i still dread going back to that place. well, not exactly dread but you know when you pass by your school on holiday breaks or during summer and you're like 'man i don't miss that place'? well that's how it feels. i miss my friends but definitely not waking up at 6:30am to go there. haha it should be fun. can't wait to see some friends that are still stuck there.